Monday, July 13, 2015

The reality that I created for myself. A reason for a differerent perspective.

Recently, during a conversation I had with a new acquaintance. Someone who had seen me in a few local clubs around the city. He had described my behavior around others as if "I was an alien, from another planet. Who just been teleported onto the planet in the middle of a crowd. Completely apart from everyone as an observer gathering information."

I have never had someone so close to the truth of how I feel almost every time I go outside of my hotel room or home for that matter. So accustom to being an outsider that I have taken it as a given in all situations. I do separate myself from all others. I would dare go as far as to include my family and closest friends.

Often I have posed the question, "is it better to understand or be understood?" Taking it to the extreme, I am always in the mode of trying to understand the world in which I live in.

There is a benefit that I am unwilling to give up for living my life in such a manner. I come and go as I so choose. There are very few that I answer to. No one on this planet am I tied down to. Nor is there any desire for me to do so. I still fail to se the benefit.

 The cost is great I have created a reality where I will continue to travel and live my life alone not sharing it with a single soul.

 A character defect that I must put to rest. If it is based in fear. I have lived this way for so long at present time I am unsure what is the root cause for my continued isolation.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

"What am I?" A question asked often enough for me to write about how I define myself.

 I



have been asked the following question many times, referring to my origins. "What are you?".
Answer: I am not a wolf nor do I consider myself a sheep that needs a shepherd. I am a spiritual being seeking enlightenment throughout my journey in this life time.
I try to remain open to all points of view. One can learn from everyone. Even if it is what not to do. My path is likely one very few would consider traveling. In this I find my strength from within and my family.
I am not trying to change the world. Only the part I live in.
Buster Sly

Andrew Adam Caldwell took this picture and created the poster...A friend whom I hold in High regards. One that I will forever love.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The cost

The cost...I almost allowed fear to when this day. Once more I am confronted with and old "song and dance" In the form of another would be pushy suitor. I have returned to wearing headsets whenever I go out in public.
It is as  close to armor as I am able to wear. Keeping all would be stalkers at bay. Unfortunately, it comes with a high cost. Often times it is one I am willing to pay. Today is not one of those day. The headsets along with body language makes it clear to anyone. I am not interested in any discussion.
This is far from the truth. Fear is the motivation. If only it was just part of my imagination.  But much harm has come my way when I have been vulnerable. Finding a balance between the two continues to be a work in progress.
Today I chose faith over fear. I will return shortly to the gay area of town I felt compelled to depart from  Running away with my tale between my legs. I will face my demons, some of my own creation while most are real. The potential for me to be on the receiving end of a painful encounter.
Life without risk is one that I would never chose to live in. Finding my comfort zone is the key to my serenity being restored.
buster sly.

Andrew Adam Caldwell took these pictures

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Is it better to understand or be understood?

I had recently wrote about being on the receiving end of a predator who committed what I would have once thought of as an unthinkable act against another human being.

Know thine enemy.  I have much compassion for people who are stuck in a cycle where in their mind. They remain the victim. We all know someone of this character trait. At one end of the spectrum, you have a person who does not harm anyone but themselves. Never able or willing to see any part that they might play interacting with others. If a person never at fault or put another way. If they always blame people, places and/or things? Then by default they are perfect.
If you can agree with me on my reasoning? Then you will understand my compassion even for people who have raised their hands against me.  Fear prevents them from moving forward. There will be no growth in mind and soul.  A rigid belief system that can never be challenged. They do not see the trap they have made for themselves.  Forever to repeat the same life lessons until the day they die. Resentful of others who continue to move on in their life journey.
I would never put myself deliberately in harms way. I am simply saying my compassion extends even to people who are stuck in a hell of their own creation.


The difference is clear to me. We can chose to be fearless or allow fear to run our lives.

Being fearless does not mean, one is without fear. My definition: Allowing it to pass through you...where only you remain. (A take on Dune the book yes I am a nerd).

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Exorcising Demons




Exorcising Demons
Much has changed since I last visited Atlanta some twenty years ago, a city I once called home for over a decade. I left shortly after I had returned home to find a note next to my two dogs, dead, left by a man who had poisoned them. After three months of feeling like a hostage in my own home, I decided this would be the last time I would endure that feeling. I was the cause of his pain (he insisted) and he wanted me to know how much he was hurting by hurting me, by killing the two things I cherished above all else at that time.
Prior to the day I found my slain pets, which were like family, lifeless in my home, what would be sanctuary for most but not for me, this man had chosen to force his will upon me by breaking into my apartment. Another time I found him sitting on my couch drinking a beer that he helped himself to and watching my TV, waiting for me to get home. I will never forget the words that came out of his mouth: "You made me do this, (breaking into my place) you never returned or answered any of my calls." I understood then and there how dangerous people with a victim mentality can be. They are capable of doing things others would not conceive of doing to another person. Self-proclaimed victims feel justified in their behavior because they are unwilling to see how they could have played any part in the situation. There was nothing I could say to this man sitting on my couch, someone who had taken such liberties in a place I called home. Anything I said he would have dismissed and lay all blame at my feet.
I have been single since that day.

I wish I could say that dog-killing stalker was the worst thing I have ever been forced to endure. I hold no malice for this person. Hate and resentment of him had long ago been exorcised--or so I had told myself. I have since walked in Piedmont Park daily, the same path where I had walked my dogs.  I have visited clubs where I am reminded of this man's relentless pursuit. To deny that I am still not effected by the trauma is akin to putting my head in the sand.
Aloof I would be described as if our paths have crossed in this city. It would be one of the kinder words a few here have written to me. I do, however, understand why they would come to that opinion. My history, the reason for my departure  from Atlanta so many years ago, is known by few; my road to recovery known by even fewer.  Leaving this city I returned to Austin, Texas,  the place of my birth, to lick my wounds. The pain was so great, I became willing to seek outside help in the form of a male therapist.  As a survivor of incest in my childhood and recently traumatized in Atlanta, I was at an all time low spiritually.
Then, on week three of seeing my therapist, he pulls my pants down and goes down on me while jacking off onto my shoes. Then he zips up his pants and simply tells me "same time next week."

Shortly after, I attempt at suicide, and thankfully I failed. I was then fortunate to meet my spiritual guide, Myra. She worked for a gay counseling service in Austin. I am eternally grateful for the patience and support she provided me. There was nothing I was unwilling to look at, even my core beliefs. My decision to kill myself was based on them. Willing had I become to find a solution that worked best for me.
The gift I learned from suffering at the hands of a few starting at the early age of six was a compassion for others who were still suffering at the hands of another. A love for myself above all others came out of the pain. How can we begin to love another in a healthy way if we do not first learn to love ourselves?
I walk in this city never looking directly at a person out of fear and it hurts my soul to admit it. I keep going out to the places where harm was done to me, seeking the ability to know when it is appropriate to be vulnerable and when I should be on guard. To recognize the trap in advance is the only way one can learn to avoid being caught in its grip. I see the trap I have placed in my path today. The gift is having the strength to work through the pain and fear to return to a place based in love and serenity. 
This is my life and I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to live as I so chose to do.
 
 
Andrew Adam Caldwell took the pictures...

Thursday, April 23, 2015

In the state of Washington...Justice for all who can afford it.

I had an opportunity a few years ago to get a first hand understanding of how justice is served in the state of Washington. I had a judge who changed the rules as he saw fit. One who never had any intention of allowing me an opportunity to be heard.

I fired my first attorney when she stated "innocent people, plead guilty all of the time." The second attorney received the boot when he arrived the court date. Just to ask for an extension. This was after he ignored all my attempts at contacting him 3 months prior to the trial.

The third attorney did the exact thing, showing up the day of the trial never responding to any of my calls or letters. He asked me for an extension so he could prepare for the trial and I attempted to terminate him as my lawyer. This time the same judge denied my request.

He took it a step further telling me that he would not allow me to waste tax payers money or his time. I could either represent myself now or let the attorney I had tried firing represent me. I was forced to take a lesser charge right then and there. Justice at its best.

In hindsight, the first lawyer was likely the most honest and up front. She new full well how corrupt the system has become. Justice is simply a lip service to placate the masses.

I remember when my judge asked me. Why I did not respect his authority? My response was a simple one. Respect is a gift given. You have never given me a reason to do so. I tolerate your ass because I do not have a choice.

I see no reason to have a change of heart now some 4 years later.

Buster Sly


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

I am always flattered by the people who take time out of thier lives to send me mean spirited messages.

I have never bothered keeping count of the times I have heard statements such as. "you are too old for this business" or " Are you not ashamed to be in the porn industry...get a real job."

If I bother to respond it is usually with a "thank you followed by bless your heart". Telling on themselves is what they are doing. Likely without knowing it.  I will break it down to those who might not get where I am coming from and why I am always flattered when receiving such messages.

I do not know these people from a can of paint. Yet for me to elicit such emotions from a total stranger tells me all that I need to know. If they did not care they would never bother writing. I promise you, I do not expend energy on those who mean nothing to me. The phrase "thou protest too much" comes to mind.

Once while visiting San Francisco I was told "You need to take your coon ass back to Seattle.". After i calmed down enough from laughter, I did thank him to taking the time to write me. Fear is the driving force behind this type of emotion. The proper response should always be sympathy.  Along with gratitude, for not living in a world based in fear and intolerance.

Bless their Hearts, indeed.


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