Friday, September 11, 2015

Single 20 years and still counting...Is there hope for me?

The subject regarding me and relationships, was raised by my lesbian therapist some 20 years ago. She had stated during a session, "there was one thing my past three relationships had in common. I thought to myself, how much am I paying this woman. She clearly has not been listening to anything I have been talking about, when we have met, these past few years. None of my partners look remotely alike.


Fortunately for me, I did not state what I was thinking. Keeping it to myself, another lesson learned earlier from this same person sitting before me. Whom I lovingly called "Myra the bitch" during far too many sittings. It will become clear why soon enough.


Myra continued by stating, I was the common denominator in all three of my past relationships spanning a course of 11 years.  I had invited these men into my life. Here words stung me, I had never considered the part I played in seeking out these men whom I thought until now where very different. My response to Myra's  statement was an automatic response I said "fuck you bitch". She smiled, knowing the only time I would ever make such a statement was when I saw the truth of it and had nowhere to go but to accept it.


From acceptance came a willingness to here the solution almost always masked as a suggestion. Myra, knowing full well that there was no other option for me other than to take here advice and put it into action. She stated that I should stop dating until I understand what it is about me that was attracted to the same personality trait.


I am certain she did not mean for me to stop dating for such a long period of time. Yet over the years I became comfortable being alone becoming my own best friend. In the past 6 years since getting into the adult entertainment industry. My desire to meet someone has returned. The problem is sensory overload.


It is impossible for me to meet anyone on the social media sites. Even when I come across an individual that peeks my interest. They quickly get lost in the see of data. Almost impossible for me to continue a conversation for any period of time.


The night life has its own obstacles. I am an introvert by nature. Much more at home on the beach alone with my headsets on or in a library reading a book. The clubs takes me way out of my comfort zone. I feel like a piece of meat thrown in a pool of Parana's. People terrify me. Ok that was a bit dramatic,


I do enjoy small groups of people or more intimate settings. The problem is getting to that point. When I was younger alcohol and drugs allowed me to loose my inhibitions. Those days are long gone. I am left with finding a solution which keeps me present in the here and now.


For any would be suitors, know that there is a willingness on my part to have someone in my life to share life experience during this journey in time. I have never sought out someone to complete me. It reeks of codependency. Better to have that special person(s) complementing me.







2 comments:

  1. 20 years is such a long time, it's good to know that you love your own company and I am sure you will meet someone soon who may change that status of yours

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  2. Totally understand what your saying. Im much the same I used to go out all the time but i was always getting buzzed so that my social anxiety was not an issue but stopped medicating with alcohol so i don't get out as much now.

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