Growing up...Does it ever end? I hope not.

I have been resistant as of late to making adjustments in my lifestyle and my way of living. Not fully committed to a path I chose for myself. Fear is my enemy once more. Half in and half out. This internal debate has its roots deep in my past. If I am to commit entirely I would be vulnerable in ways that I have not been before. 

In the recent past I had taken a big leap on the path of trusting my judgement with a person I will still call friend. He was extremely helpful in restoring my faith in other humans. I looked forward to the working relationship we had made. The path we set out was clear. I shared my fears and concerns freely as did he. Love and respect I still maintain for him. 

Never did I view the relationship as anything more than business partner/friend. I injured myself and was in need of caring. He, not surprisingly offered his assistance in caring for me. One week into this He decides to adopt two puppies. This he said would make the family complete. Concern grew over the following days into abject fear.

I have seen this far too many times in my past where friends turn into "wanna be lovers".  The potential for harm against me, I could not ignore. While concern for what would happen to our relationship and the pain that he would feel upon my rejection, weighed heavy in my mind.  This was a man who had to choose between living in constant pain or becoming addicted to a known narcotic for a debilitating disease. The narcotic over the years I had known him showed its ugly face more often these days than not.

When I was well enough to take care of myself, I shared my concerns for him and how I did not have the same type of love that he had for me.  I have yet to fully recover from the damage caused when in his eyes, I rejected him forthright. My life was laid bare access to all personal information as well as business dealing this man had. He was of course my business lawyer my friend.

Now in order to achieve my goals I must put faith once more in my friends most I have known for many years. Beautiful souls I see in them. Harm caused by them? I could never for see. Yet did I not feel the same about my once close friend. The stark difference has now been made clear as I write this entry.

Faith is the absence of fear. My heart beat slows down to its normal pace. The path of forgiveness I will take up once more. I will be fearless once more. Meaning in spite of my fears I will let it pass through me so that I can see the forest from the trees. Trust in my choices as to who are my friends I will once again afford myself. Vulnerable with these friends I am willing to be. It is the least I can do for myself. Deserving, am I to all of the graces this universe has to offer. As we all are.

Serenity, for now is restored.

Buster Sly