Loss...

I do not know if it ever gets easier. Learning to live with a loss. Live long enough and that which I hold dear family friends will go the same way as my very first loss. I was never really innocent, that was taken from me at a very early age. Being sexually abused, at an early age my life. Left me searching for a safe haven from a close family member. Who was the cause for 5 years of a life filled with fear and uncertainty.

One of the places I found refuge was in the arms of my grandmother, I always felt that even though I was unable to explain what was going on. She showed amazing patience for me when I was acting out in destructive ways due to the abuse.
I have as an adult spent most of my life away from family keeping them at arms distance. I almost never write about them more for respect of their privacy. I have an amazingly loving family. They have always made me feel welcome. I simply am not wired to respond in what most people would consider a normal way to my loved ones. This extends to close friends.

My grandmother was one of the few people who would call me out during long periods where I did not check in.  For the past 30 years she would tell me " I do not know how long I am going to be around...". Flowers, would be my first line of defense. Followed by plans to visit.

 At close to 100 years of age. My grandmother passed away last night. She has been one of the few constants I have always had for the entirety of my life. I have never had to experience  a loss of such magnitude. A few months ago I returned to Texas my home town and spent some time with her as well as my family. My grandmother once during our sittings shared that she was tired and ready to go.

I will celebrate all gifts that I received over the course of my life by having been blessed with such a wonderful soul I called granny.

Today I am grateful to have been one of her "grandchillin's" as she would call us.