The trap..Why I choose not to participate.

Recently a good friend of mine and I had a discussion on dating younger people. I of course have not dated anyone for some time now,  I actually can not remember the last time I went out on a date or viewed someone in such a manner. I digress, that is for another time and place.

When I was young(er), I fancied myself as being far to mature for those of my age. There was some truth in it. But for me to consider myself an equal to the men I courted would be a joke. What I sought and what I needed where two different things. This conflict between what I wanted and what was needed led to all relationships ending at best poorly.

I did not see the pattern until the difference in age was significantly reduced. That and watching my elder friends relationships end strangely the same way every single time. How could this be? The people they dated looked nothing alike save for their youth, 

Contrary to the crazy phrase "you complete me", two halves in a relationship does a whole not make. It is called being co dependent, and that is not a good thing.  Looking at it from my perspective as the youth enamored by the farther figure who appears to have it all together, I want what he has. Note this is not a material want, It is a desire to live life carefree and secure in oneself. I also wanted to feel safe, This was before therapy. When I was running from the trauma of abuse without even knowing what it was that made me so fearful.

The lure, for most mature men is the vulnerability they see in ones so young. They are not quiet jaded by life. They are teachable/trainable. They are the ones who sit in the seat of power. Can they not see the forest for the tree. You can not be a lover one moment. Then a farther figure the next. Place yourself as a parent and suffer the resentment of the child.

Oops I gave it away far too soon. Some of you may have blinked. I will approach it from the eyes of the young one seeking out a much older wiser being at least that is what he had thought in the beginning. When we place someone up on a pedestal and find out they are only human some feel duped or misled. Perfection was never promised by this elder but it was implied. How dare he tell me what is right or wrong. He is not my farther. He is not qualified to be my farther. These words hold true to me. I sang them quiet a few times in my youth.

 Off with his head the king is dead. And I would begin my quest for the rightful ruler of the house not knowing I was there all along. There is only one king in my kingdom and that is me. If and when I so chose to share It will be with another king who rules his kingdom fearlessly. 

I have no desire to lead nor have I any interest in following. Do not ever come to me bragging about what you can do for me.  I will be bored before you have even gotten started. That is the trap I stopped falling for many years ago. 

Let us see what we can do for each other together as well as apart. I live for no other reason than to see what is on the other side. I want to know, This desire is what fuels me. If it is not something that we share? I suggest you seek out your partner elsewhere. 

Buster Sly

The abilty to identify what event is worth fighting for in my lifes journey is key in keeping ones sanity.

tLast week was full of extreme highs and lows. Remaining focused and staying in a solution based perspective during such a chaotic weekend. Continues to be a great tool I learned to keep my serenity from being challenged.
Lowering my expectations so that I am pleasantly surprised. This does not mean I am settling. In the early stages of any relationship, I find it crucial to allow the person I am with to be the one who defines himself. Many feel  to do this and end up having this new person in their lives fall short of their expectations.
How unfair it would be for me to be disappointed in a total stranger for not being the person I had fantasized they would be.

Another lesson in patience and staying in a solution based perspective.

In the past two months I have had the chance to focus more attention the business of running a business. Thanks to a broken foot that has finally healed to the point where I can walk comfortably. And begin booking dates with business in the industry.

Having realistic expectations is of those who are working with me is the  key to my serenity not being challenged. I must also remember to apply this to the expectations I have placed on myself. Staying in a solution based perspective keeps me from ever falling into the "blame game" . That is a trap I learned to avoid many years ago. It only ads to the problem causing resentment. Ultimately doing much more harm than any possible good.

A solution based perspective allows all parties involved to focus on reaching whatever goals that have been set as quickly and efficiently as possible. The team remains a team and no egos are bruised or feelings hurt.

 "It is not what you say, but how you say it", I have heard this phrase so many times over the years and it still rings true today. My favorite question I have posed often in the past would be "Is it better to understand or be understood?".  The common denominator in both of these statements is active listening. How can anyone possibly lead if they cannot understand or be willing to see the complete picture.

I have yet to experience a time when working on a project where there was only one option to reaching a particular goal or solution. Humbling  and refreshing this has been for me.  In order to have a working environment where ideas and creativity of others flows freely. Is the responsibility of the immediate supervisor to put ego aside and encourage people to speak up if they think there is a better or more efficient way to obtain a particular goal. No one is above reproach.

I am writing this entry today because I wanted to share where I have been these past few months and why I have been absent. Not responding to your messages in a timely fashion. Finding the right people to fill key positions and getting them up to speed. While also learning what is needed from me so that they can perform effectively in there position has been all consuming of my time.

In the near future, when all is in place. I will be able to do the thing that brings me much joy. New projects on a constant basis easier access to me. A calendar on my web page that lets you know months in advanced what I am doing and what city I will be visiting.

For people who are trying to reach me and in the past have been frustrated with my lack of response or slow response. I have already implemented a solution. By giving you a direct line  posted on all of the sites.

Growing pains is what I have been experience and I thank you for your patience. I am also grateful for the patience the team has afforded me while I grow into the shoes which I find myself walking in.

Eternally grateful,

Buster Sly