A hard lesson to learn

"You're not a s*** you're just generous with your body"

A good friend of my name Andrew Andrew Caldwell remind me that the grass was have for about 5 years ago.

Another one of my favorite is "I'm not a s*** I'm just in educating virgin".

Or for those who want to keep it in a PG version " making lemonade out of lemons".

All of these have one thing in common. My sanity depends on this type of perspective. I can choose to be better or I can choose not to be.

The best gift that I received was your day I found out I could not control people places or things. But I am responsible for my own happiness and how I respond to them.

I visited a friend recently who had bruises on his face from fighting his partner. The person is with is known for being a ballon individual basically full of fear and acting out in such a crazy way. never is it okay to hit another human being. Especially someone that you profess to love.

There is a better way. Oftentimes the person who is abusing the other individual does not take ownership of their own actions blaming it on the person who they're hitting.

"He made me do it, she made me do it". These are words I've heard.  If its never your fault and it's always someone else who forces you to harm another individual. The cycle will never be broken.

Taking ownership of the part that you played is the first step in breaking the cycle of abuse. " Why do you make me hit you" what the words that came out of this man's mouth and he's hitting his partner.  I I spent three days in a cabin with two people who fought every single day blaming the other person for their own actions. When they try to include me in the insanity was the day I left and returned to Seattle.

If you are always the victim and its never your fault then by default you're perfect. If you're perfect then there's no reason for you to change or grow as a human being. Nor is the reason for the person causing harm to ever change. In their mind they're not doing anything wrong so why should they.

You might ask me how can I come to this conclusion. I have been on the receiving end of predators or those who claim to be victims often in my lifetime. There is only one solution when an individual bet you encounter has that mentality and that is to get away.

There is nothing you can say they can convince them that what they're doing is wrong. I had a person break into my house at 4 o'clock in the morning, sitting down watching my TV. Drinking a beer he got out of my refrigerator.  Waiting for me to get home. This person told me, I made him do it I forced him to break into my house because I would not return his phone call. There was nothing that I could possibly say to this person that would make him understand that what he just did was in appropriate.

This type of personality is extremely dangerous they can justify any action. Because it's never there fault. If you wonder why or how someone can shoot the children. Kill the wife with a professed to love.  Just know that that person in their mind does not believe that what they're doing is their fault

I am 47 years old and I have never hit another human being. Now I'm not counting when I was a child and fighting my siblings. Yes even then I was learning the cost of taking those types of physical actions on family members that you're supposed to love.

My friends whom I've known for a long time know that I always Right about things are happening in my life unfiltered filter. But from a place of compassion. If you're looking for a two-dimensional individual who only works in the entertainment industry you might Want to find a new friend.

A friend of mine was asked me why Do I link my personal webpage with  "Buster Sly" Who is in the adult entertainment industry. If I would follow his suggestion. I would be doing a disservice to me as well as to my friends. I am Buster Sly and I am Sylvester leave Neal. When my parents came to visit me while I was in the hospital I spoke freely about everything That was going on in my life. My nieces and nephews and grandmother know what's going on in my life.

When I only show a person one side of me then they get a distorted view of who I really am. To place blame on them hope you and me in such a way would be wrong on my part.

I see this unfold all the time with these big actors. I refuse to fall into that trap. They set themselves up to be the victim. Not owning the part that they played.

I am no saint and certainly not without fault. Before I had the opportunity to seek Outside intervention in the form of therapy. I Live my life full of fear. Trying to control my surroundings so that I can have a safe environment. While always remaining frustrated for people not doing what I expected them in one of them to do. The root of my fear was from my childhood trauma. Yet it still does not justify the harm I did to the ones I claim to love.

I was passive aggressive to the extreme. Never yelling never losing my temper. To be vulnerable meant Only one thing to me. To open oneself to injury.

I knew full well what that meant. This was a lesson talk to me at the age of 6. Unfortunately there's another aspect of being vulnerable that I did not understand until much much later.

Because of this flaw in my way of thinking, back in the day. So disconnected was out from my emotions. I was called a cold insensitive bastard by More than one partner. If you're not sure whether or not you fall into A person who has a "victim mentality". There is a very simple test if you can do. I have been single for the past 20 years thanks to my Lesbian therapist Mira From Austin Texas. I was complaining about the people in my life the men in my life. True to form my therapist timing was impeccable. Had she said what she said to me that day a week earlier I would not have understood this life lesson. " If the only common denominator With various friends or partners is me? There's only one of two choices that I can make. Own the part that I played In creating this reality I lived in And find a better solution that works for me. Or I can continue to live a life full of fear.

My therapist suggested that I take time off from dating until I figure out, why I continue to seek out the same type of personality traits in every man that I met. now I'm sure she didn't mean for me to take off 20 years.

I still have a long way to go and I pray I never make it. A willingness to hear other people's views in perspective is one of the greatest gifts one can give to them selfs.

Being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience for me. Until I learn how to do that with a significant other. I may just be single another 20 years.

This still remains a difficult life lesson I've yet to learn.

To the journey