The problem for me was never my addiction. The problem was for a very long time it was my only solution.

At times I feel the need to remind myself of the road I once traveled. A time when life for me was very different. This was a period where hope did not spring eternal. A time when I was constantly victimized and had no idea as to why it was always happening to me. I had no solution as to how I could  break the cycle of pain. None save for drugs.

There came a time when that stopped working for me. When the pain was so great I became willing to seek outside aid. It came in the form of a therapist. Unfortunately, predictors come in all shapes and sizes. This one took the form of my therapist.

Roughly three weeks after seeing this man for sexual abuse issues, he decides to pull my pants down and ejaculates on my shoes. I stopped meeting with him. I stopped working. Then I stopped leaving my apartment.   I made a decision to end the suffering. The noises in my head ended.  Peace and serenity was mine for the first time in my life. How could I not follow through and take action.

 I am grateful for my failed attempt at suicide. A close friend of mine was not so lucky. I just found out today of his passing.  He like myself was sexually abused as a child. He never found a way to live with it. He never found a solution past the drugs.

Life is not easy nor is it hard. It simply is what we make of it. We all have choices. For those who do not live in a fear. The options are without measure. I am grateful to live in a world today where this is my truth. Fear does not rule my house.

 Andrew Adam Caldwell took this picture